defense mechanisms

I’m sitting here with a heating pad spread out over my abdomen. It’s part of the regime that my holistic nutritionist has me on, with castor oil packs two or three times a week. It’s to help clear out the toxins and parasitic nasties that have been uncovered and are hanging on by a thread. The road to mental health has been surprisingly physical in nature. I’m learning that so much of what goes on in the body is reflected in the mind. After-all, we are fully-integrated creatures, so how could our bodies, minds and souls operate independently of one another? I don’t think they can, and as I move through this process of healing, I’m realizing exactly how intrinsically linked they are.

In addition to castor oil packs and garlic pills and therapy, I’m taking part in a “personal growth group” offered through my church. It’s an eight week class to help us understand why we do the things we do, to be able to finger and name certain thoughts or feelings or beliefs that we hold so tightly to that we don’t realize how wrongheaded or false they are. It’s a lesson in spiritual discovery, this group, and as I’m about half-way done at this point, I feel as if it’s produced more tangible fruit than any of the other therapies I’m working through, save for a cleared out digestive system.

Every week we have homework. A couple of weeks ago, I was journaling about my childhood, as part of my assignment, and I came to realize that something I did as a child I still do now, and that is a habit of building up walls around me and then, in a way, testing those around me to see who would take the time and effort to get past those walls. Those who did “passed,” and were therefore trustworthy. Those who didn’t “failed,” and became the subject of my resentment, negative bias, etc.

Now, it was startling enough to realize I still do this, and then link it back to a particular time in my past, but what was even more startling was what my group leader said about it all when I relayed my experience. For a long time, this habit is something that I felt bad about doing. For whatever reason, there is a lot of guilt and/or shame that’s tied up in it, as if I should have known better or this idea that I screwed myself up somehow or failed to learn how to properly relate to others by doing this. But my group leader said, “you know, I think it’s a real testament to God’s creation, that at that young age, you knew instinctively how you had to protect yourself, even if you didn’t understand what was going on at the time.”

Wow. I’d never thought about that in a positive sense before. Forever it’s been a negative thing. But hearing her say those words, that at that age, there was no way for me to “know better,” and that I did what I somehow knew I needed to do in order to be safe. I mean, she also said that as an adult, I no longer need to hold onto that way of being, and that the real challenge, I suppose, is learning how to drop that defense mechanism in favor of some other m.o. What what a wonderful, supportive thing to hear about something that I so easily demonize about myself. And how forgiving I need to be with myself, especially my younger self, who truly did not understand the significance of her actions.

My homework is pretty fun some weeks. I had to go on a “date” this past week and chose to go hike around an area of L.A. called the Bronson caves with my roommate. Photos of the adventure to appear soon.

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