moments

So part of my arsenal to try and combat this anxiety disorder is, when I’m on the precipice of a panic attack, or in danger of going to that dark and anxious part of my brain, to try and think about those moments in my life that bring back a sense of joy, of awe, of wonder, of exhilaration, of gratitude.

Since I know that thinking of those moments, “in the moment” can be quite challenging, I’m going to start a list of them here, to help me remember when I most need them (in no particular order) …

That time, in college, that I took a box of leftover Valentine’s Day cookies and mashed them up and made them into a paste with water and then Corey and I poured it out onto the front porch in the shape of a heart and the pink dye of the cookies was so stubborn that the maintenance guys had to come and pressure wash the stain off the concrete.

Getting the first glimpse of Mt. Ararat through the windshield of our van as we traveled our way north across eastern Turkey. They warned us that the mountain was usually covered in clouds in the afternoon and evening, but on the day we were there, it was clear the entire time. We even got to see the sunset reflected off its tip.

All of Turkey was pretty cool, actually, like being woken up to the 5:00am call to prayer the first morning we were there. A haunting sound coming in through the half-light of early morning.

That feeling you get when you drive down the 10 Freeway, headed west, toward downtown L.A., and it’s nighttime, and it’s clear, and the skyscrapers are silhouetted against the sky and they’re so clearly cut that they look like a sticker you could just peel from the horizon.

Sunrises in Venice Beach.

That one time I ran eight miles in preparation for my half marathon even though it was pouring rain and one of my shoes was sopping wet and making me limp from its soaking weight.

Getting to read my poetry in front of an audience at LACMA.  And it was a poem I really liked, too.

Going to a shoot a show, and feeling the electric buzz of the audience just before the headlining act comes on stage.  There have been many great ones like this—Beck, Monsters of Folk, Fleet Foxes, Local Natives, etc.

Late night, impromptu banana splits with Annelies in the middle of February in Chicago.

Getting to meet and study with one of my literary heroes at the Napa Valley Writer’s Conference and finding out that he was not a jerk and actually one of the coolest human beings I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting.

Finishing the first draft of my novel. That whole Christmas weekend in Palm Springs was actually pretty awesome.

Getting to see my mom’s childhood home in Estonia, and the beach where they fled to freedom.  Also spending so many days in Estonia that the language started to make sense to me.

Walking across the Charles Bridge, alone, at sunrise, in Prague, after having laid in bed all day because the night previous I had eaten too much pizza and drank too much Becherovka, and pranced around the cobblestone streets a bit too strenuously.

Running up and down the black sand of Piha Beach in New Zealand, breathlessly chasing a 12 year old and a dog and a soccer ball, with Lion’s Rock looming in the background.

That night that Nathan asked to be my boyfriend and I was so happy, I couldn’t even sleep ’cause I was literally buzzing with excitement. Just laying in bed, buzzing, a stupid grin on my face for hours.

That’s all I can think of right now. There are more, of course. Many, many more, but for now, that’s good.

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