So, I realize that not posting anything for almost three weeks is akin to internet suicide, but I have to say that I’m really enjoying my time offline. I’m enjoying it so much that well, I’m now online, blogging about it …

I’ve been house sitting and now am about to go and dog sit for a few days. These last few weeks have provided some much needed alone and recharge time. Before I left I decided to leave my laptop at home so as not to be tempted into checking my email inbox or Facebook page every five minutes. I had envisioned doing a lot of reading and writing and thinking of deep thoughts while I was gone, which would have happened had I not been sucked into the Olympics by the mutant, X-Men-like super powers of Michael Phelps.

But in all seriousness, it’s been nice to not have to gaze into a computer screen every day and I hope it’s a habit I can keep up once life gets back to normal.

It’s Friday, let’s end the week on a fun, slightly absurd note, shall we?

I’ve been eating a lot of corndogs this week. One, because they were leftover from the mustache party last weekend, and two, I’ve had about $28 in my bank account until today. So despite their high calorie and cholesterol count, they’ve sustained me since Sunday.

I get to go grocery shopping today though (hooray!), and since my corndog love-affair is coming to an end, I thought I’d give them a fair send-off and make a brief-yet-celebratory list of all the foods I could think of that come on sticks. Please feel free to add something I may have forgotten …

corndogs
popsicles (and all manner of frozen treats)
kabob
satay
lollipops
candy apples
frozen bananas, covered in chocolate, and sometimes nuts
cotton candy (I know that’s more of a cone)
cocktail weenies

Okay that’s really all I can think of. They’re all horrible for you, aren’t they? But good, good, oh-so-good.

A snazzy new haircut, a nice pair of pants, a exceptionally well-written cover letter. What do these things have in common? They might help you in an interview situation, but none of them will guarantee you a job. Right. Which is too bad, because I was up for one that I wanted quite badly—as an editorial assistant at a photography magazine—and I found out today that I was not accepted.

Bummer! I know! But even in the midst of my wallowing self-pity this morning, several thoughts came into my brain that illuminated things for me, and they have to do with reliance.

Reliance on God is not a mode in which I’ve been living lately. Sure, I might spend some time alone with the Word every day, or even do some prayer-journaling, but rely on God? Be prone and vulnerable and strictly at his mercy? Umm … well no that hasn’t been happening lately. In fact, it hasn’t been for the past few years, but there was a time when literally every day something happened where I was utterly naked and forced to wait on God. And I’ve been thinking lately about why I’ve been avoiding that kind of life, and the answers are easy:  it’s a lot less stressful when I don’t have to wait on the Lord; I like to feel like I’m in control—it comforts me.

And that’s what school is for me, a little bit, ’cause I’m in the driver’s seat. I’m in a program where I’m learning to do something I already know I’m quite good at even better—cakewalk; I’ve gotten the financials down to a tee, to a point where Erik mentioned the other day that, “Dad would have been proud.” So great, and that’s how I viewed this potential job as well, and I took all the things I knew I could control myself—my looks, my wardrobe, my personality, my writing, whatever—and used them to their full effect, to no effect. Despite my qualifications, I wasn’t chosen for the job and in the end my self-reliance failed, and with it came a large serving of humble pie.

In the wake of my rejection, this idea of reliance came up again. Is God prodding me in that direction? Is it time to go back to that wonderful, exciting and altogether terrible and nauseating way of life? Is it time for bewilderment? Maybe that’s the way we’re supposed to live. RLP seems to think so … And I’m starting to think so, too.

Granted, everything comes and goes, but I doubt my train of thought would be headed in the direction it is, were it not for certain parallel opportunity that would not have been possible at all, had I gotten this full-time job (sorry Mom, I have to bring this up again). I have an opportunity to travel to a country in Central Asia to do work similar to the work I did in Turkey last year. The trip was supposed to have happened this month, in July; and while that obviously did not pan out, I have been in recent contact with those who I would be working with “in-country” to see if plans could be made for December. The country in question is not exactly what you’d call a garden spot of global tourism, and I have absolutely no idea how I’d get over there or maintain myself while I’m there. Right now, I have nothing: no money, no team, no real idea of what we’d be doing once we get there. But, I do have a desire to go, and unlike this job I didn’t get, I would be totally dependent on God to get me though.

So, despite everything I just wrote, I have come to no conclusions. I can speculate all I want, yet I do not know the reason why I was denied this job and I can only hope it was because God has something better in mind—whether it is this trip or something else entirely—something that requires much, much more daily dependence on him.

Only four days into being 28 and God is already getting down to brass tacks …

Today, I told a guy I like how I feel about him. Big deal, you might say, but it’s the first time that I was ever that honest with someone. And he didn’t run away. He didn’t say he felt the same way necessarily, either, but he didn’t check his watch and excuse himself from the conversation. In fact he told me that I could have told him months ago and he would have been fine with it, and that was amazing to hear because a big part of my reason for not telling him was due to a fear of a loss of relationship, because we’re friends.

Our interaction today took me a long way in learning how to be more comfortable with my own feelings and more willing to express them, in the face of opposition. Wow, it’s a big relief. I felt relieved after my admission, and I told him because I felt like God was telling me to do it; to learn how to be a more honest person, to be a more integrated, whole person. And it was just like yanking off a Band-aid—much better after it was done.

I love that God loves me enough to want to grow me and to grow me up.

New year, new hair. Twenty seven was a pretty awesome age, but I’m looking forward to 28 even more.