I went back and read some of my very early blog posts, like from years ago, tonight. I was a very silly girl back then. My head was not screwed on tight before, and what a different blogger I was back then — SO transparent, embarrassingly so.
Maybe I’ve wised up a bit since then, maybe that’s just wishful thinking.
One thing that has been becoming a reality to me lately, though, is a reconnection with God. I’d say since school started, since we moved into this new house, especially since I got back from Turkey, I’ve felt a considerable distance from God. I felt distracted and angry. Discipleship seemed too hard and I always felt too sinful. But I also felt myself becoming more and more emotionally withdrawn — heart all crusty.
And I didn’t like it. I didn’t like what I was becoming. But then several realizations hit me, gradually, mainly that if God waited for us to be without sin before He answered any of our prayers, He wouldn’t ever be answering any prayer, now would He? I can say that it was only a gift of the Holy Spirit that this week especially, I’ve felt a softening, a yearning to be back in God’s presence, feeling a peace that He was and has always been around, patiently waiting for me to turn back to Him. What a deep sigh of relief it’s been for me. It makes me feel like I haven’t just been dicking around the past few years, that God is real and continues to be real and will always be real and it’s just up to me to engage with Him.
I know that this is all part of the cycle, but now maybe next time it happens it won’t be quite so alarming.